Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Senior Moments

I don’t think that what I’m writing about today counts as a “spoiler” per se, but I thought I should just go ahead and turn on the UNSPOILER 3000 anyway, just to be safe. I just got this and I’ve been itching to try it. I’m using the Charles Nelson Reilly audio file. It’s pretty cool. (By the way, don’t order the DESPOILER 3000 by mistake. Friggin’ thing ate all the peaches.)
Okay, so here we go **SPOILER ALERT!!** Yes, “Spoiler Alert.” Okay, so for those of you who have seen **SPOILER ALERT!!**
. . . I think I must have it on the high setting, just a **SPOILER ALERT!!** Um, I think there’s something wrong, I **SPOILER ALERT!!** What the Punky Brewster is going **SPOILER ALERT!!** Oh, for the love of **SPOILER ALERT!!** Seriously? 
Give me just a second . . . 

[Foley effects from Rocky Balboa v. Clubber Lang fight – the second one – in Rocky III. Sound of Nakatomi building roof exploding in Die Hard minus Bruce Willis’s teeth-grinding. Wilhelm scream.]

Alrighty then, let’s get on with this **SPURTY ALOT!!**
Well, that’s inappropriate. One more sec. . .

[That sound when Jerry hits Tom with a frying pan and leaves an impression of his cat-face. Yoko Ono’s second album. Darius Rucker gargling.]

Well, that probably voided the warranty. Okay, shall we go on?

*. . .*

Okay, so, for those of you who have seen The Amazing Spider-Man movie and stayed through the end credits, there’s a scene. Do you remember it? Don’t talk about it out loud in case there are people around you who haven’t seen it yet. Just nod your head if you’ve seen it. Okay, there are a number of theories floating around the internet at the – okay, you can stop nodding your head now. (Really?) Anyway, there are several different theories I have read on the internet regarding that scene, and, frankly, I disagree with those that I’ve seen and heard so far.

I won’t spell out my own two theories in too great detail in the interest of avoiding spoilers. [Looks sharply over shoulder at small plume of smoke in background.] However, I will present two character profiles from the Marvel Universe of two AARP-eligible baddies who have tangled with Spider-Man in the comic books.

Suspect #1:
Adrian Toomes was an electrical engineer who invented both a superhuman-strength-granting harness and a set of really awesome (and, frankly, implausible, but who cares?) wings. Turning to a life of crime to continue to fund his experiments, he became super-bad guy The Vulture, and engaged in some pretty spectacular aerial battles with the young web-slinger. Really, though, only one of them was wearing spandex in an age-appropriate manner.

Suspect #2:
Silvio Manfredi, a.k.a. Silvermane, was a criminal mastermind in the Maggia who also didn’t pay full price for coffee at McDonald’s, if you know what I mean. He forced Dr. Curt Connors (yes, yes, put your hands down) to create a youth serum for him leading to a confrontation with both Spider-Man and the Lizard. Later, he would have his internal organs transplanted into an all-powerful cyborg and became a formidable physical opponent to Spider-Man as well (albeit with his left turn signal on the whole time.)
Ew. Ew. Ew.

Anyway, if you’ve seen the end credits scene, you may see why I figure that one of these two characters factors into that scene and the probable sequel.
Let me know what you think in the comments, but - since the movie has only been out for a little over a week - watch the spoilers.
Also, does anyone know the exact wording of Amazon’s return policy for items that have been, um, struck with a xistera?

No comments:

Post a Comment