Monday, December 19, 2011

Have a Camel!

Hi, it's me, your friendly neighborhood naughty elf. I'm just checking in on your shopping list. How's it going? Did you manage to get the bow around the Lexus? The trick is to set the emergency brake. How about Rockin' Elmo: did you get all of them that you needed? How much pepper spray did you end up having to use? Not bad. See, I told you: short bursts makes it last longer. Okay, so how many names are left uncrossed off your list? Wow. That many? You've only got a few days left!
Okay, it's a good thing I dropped in - by the way, you need to sweep your chimney.
I have a solution for you: Heifer. No, that sweater doesn't make you look fat, I'm talking about Heifer International, you ninny. (That sweater does make you look kind of stupid, though. Okay, maybe it's not the sweater.)
Heifer International! Come on, you've heard of them, right? Oh, fine, Alton, please educate these thunderdomes:

Clear enough? Good. Here's what you do: go to and click on the gift catalog button. It's really big, you'll do fine. This will "magically" take you to a page filled with pictures of farm animals. It's kind of like the site you were looking at the other night, but completely different.
You click on the animal of your choice and then whip out your - oh, grow up! - credit card. Then you can print out a card with the name of the person you're giving the gift for. On behalf of. In the name of. Oh, whatever. You follow, right?
You can get creative if you want, too. If you donated a goat on behalf of your boss, you could go down to the nearest curio shop, buy a little porcelain goat, and, when he goes down to his reserved parking spot at the end of the day, you bounce it off his windshield, and say, "I got you a goat, you bald motherf-" . . . Okay, maybe that's not such a good idea. Anyway, you'll think of something. Sweater choices notwithstanding you seem like a smart - well, ask your kids for an idea.
Heifer International works great for those people on your list who you have no idea what to get. Seriously, if you give someone a card that says, "Hey, I gave a flock of chicks in your name to a poor, starving family so that they could get a new lease on life," and they go "Awww, maaaaaan.": Take that hemorrhoid of a human being off of next year's list. Seriously seriously.
It's a no-brainer. You could even go in with a group of people who are just as befuddled as you and give a water buffalo, or a cow, or a camel - which, actually, reminds me of a joke . . .
Hey, where are you going?

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